First Contact, the first of the two stories in Into Tolari Space, didn’t originally start with the words, “And now, the Tolari were calling.” At the suggestion of a member of my critique group, I cut the first almost-600 words and redistributed much of the information (infodump, really) contained in them. Some of it, though, was forever lost — except in my backups.
Here, then, is the first half of the cut material. Part 4 follows tomorrow.
“Smitty!” Addie called from the sitting room of their
quarters. “Hurry up! The Admiral wants you on the bridge!”
quarters. “Hurry up! The Admiral wants you on the bridge!”
Smithton grumbled and didn’t answer. It wasn’t usual for his
wife to nag. He knew damned well that John – Vice Admiral John Howard – wanted
him on the bridge, on the double. He was dressing as fast as he could.
wife to nag. He knew damned well that John – Vice Admiral John Howard – wanted
him on the bridge, on the double. He was dressing as fast as he could.
His bare feet picked up a faint vibration through the
bedroom carpet. The CCS – Central Command Ship – Bellerophon must be firing its engines. Or something. Perhaps shifting
its orbit. He didn’t know what all its sounds and vibrations meant, but it wouldn’t
matter much longer. The Bellerophon
was due to be replaced soon by the Third Fleet’s brand new flagship, the Alexander, which was still being fitted
up in space dock at Epsilon Indi. John would get the new ship – and a promotion
to full Admiral to go with it – in about a year.
bedroom carpet. The CCS – Central Command Ship – Bellerophon must be firing its engines. Or something. Perhaps shifting
its orbit. He didn’t know what all its sounds and vibrations meant, but it wouldn’t
matter much longer. The Bellerophon
was due to be replaced soon by the Third Fleet’s brand new flagship, the Alexander, which was still being fitted
up in space dock at Epsilon Indi. John would get the new ship – and a promotion
to full Admiral to go with it – in about a year.
His mind skittered back to the present, and he cursed how
the interrupted sleep made him so easy to distract. Why did the damned Tolari have to call in the middle of the damned
night? He tried to wipe the sleep from his face. No doubt it wasn’t night
on whichever part of the planet the caller resided. Monralar. He rolled the word around in his head as he pulled on his
socks. He’d heard of that province, but when he was learning the language
spoken by the Tolari, it had never been mentioned.
the interrupted sleep made him so easy to distract. Why did the damned Tolari have to call in the middle of the damned
night? He tried to wipe the sleep from his face. No doubt it wasn’t night
on whichever part of the planet the caller resided. Monralar. He rolled the word around in his head as he pulled on his
socks. He’d heard of that province, but when he was learning the language
spoken by the Tolari, it had never been mentioned.
I don't see this as an info dump! Sometimes scenes like this add tiny layers to the texture of a story, making it richer, deeper. To be honest I really like passages like this. But that's just me I guess.